"This is going to revolutionise the way we think about sports cars, probably, maybe? Ok probably not" - Some valuable advice to all car makers: Power to weight to rubber ratio.

Fun drivers cars are becoming something of a rarity these days, unless of course you have an endless supply of fruit from you’re money tree – go buy a Pagani Huayra, please – but for most of us this is not the case. And fun, cheap, rear drive sports cars are becoming difficult to find, our beloved Commodores and Falcons - Australia’s definitive rear drive sports sedans are likely to go front or all wheel drive by 2017, BMW is about to begin producing front drive cars and isn’t giving us manual gearboxes in its most recent M cars, even AMG is set to go all wheel drive in the near future. Who called the fun police?

Now, before you call me an idiot I will acknowledge that the Toyobaru twins fit the job description perfectly, but besides these two I can’t think of much else. There is the mx-5 but a new one of those is pushing nearly $50k – almost double the asking price of a base model 86, and in terms of fun, even if Miranda Kerr was sitting in the passenger seat, the mx-5 is in no way shape or form twice the car as an 86, in fact I don’t think anything is twice the car as an 86 in terms of fun. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the mx-5, but the current generation has been eating too many burgers lately, with its metal folding roof and various other luxuries it’s just gotten too heavy, and it’s spoilt the driving experience. Hopefully the next-gen mx-5 will go back to basics. I thought I could help Mazda with this and so I have some valuable advice for the blokes in charge of the next-gen mx-5 – they wouldn’t have thought of this, probably. This vital information is the key to making a fun car.

This is going to revolutionise the way we think about sports cars, probably, maybe? Ok probably not, but hear me out. The key to a fun car besides the given, rear drive, manual gearbox combination rests upon the power to weight to rubber ratio. Now for some Raw Driving maths. The power to weight to rubber ratio is given by (power/weight)/rear tyre width. This data is normally distributed through a bell shaped curve - the Y axis is fun factor and X axis is the power to weight to rubber ratio - see bellow. You see its fine to have a fantastic or not so fantastic power to weight ratio figure, you don’t need millions of kilowatts of power to have fun. As long as you have the correct tyre widths for your specific power to weight ratio, then manageable and enjoyable sideways action can be had. For example, the Toyota 86; it doesn’t have a fantastic power to weight ratio – just 113kw per tonne, but it has relatively skinny tyres – 215 sections, hence its power to weight to rubber ratio can be calculated as 0.53, now this is a meaningless number at the moment. So, to put things into perspective lets take a 325kw HSV GTS – the typical Aussie muscle car – it’ll do 0-100kph in less than 5 seconds, and it’s a complete maniac when it comes to drifting, yet, its power to weight to rubber ratio is a modest 0.65.

To the left(Getting there): Toyota 86 In the center(Goldilocks zone): BMW M5, C63 Black, SLS AMG, To the right(scary zone): 650hp Ford Mustang  

After many hours of maths, and some energy drink which will probably kill my liver – the things I do - I have calculated the optimum power to weight to rubber ratio for putting a silly grin on the drivers face, probably. Its approximately 0.8. On the graph above X(power to weight to rubber ratio)=0.8 and Y(fun factor) =10. Some cars that fit this description include the C63 AMG Black Series, BMW M5, and SLS AMG. You'll have probably noticed that all the cars I've mentioned are German, this is because the Germans know how to make silly ridiculously fun cars, they've got the formula spot on. 

The problem is however, these are incredibly expensive cars. So, Mazda I put this to you, please build us a small affordable sports car with a power to weight to rubber ratio of 0.8, if this is too difficult 0.7 will do, a manual gearbox, and rear wheel drive, limited slip diff layout. Nissan, I hope you’re listening too, don’t go thinking you can take on the Toyota 86 with a front wheel drive sports car – everyone will laugh at you, because you cant, just give us a new Silvia.

So there we have it, problem solved. Let the onslaught of fun cars begin! 

If You Look at Mountain Goats and Think Hmm That'd Handle Nicely Or you Get Annoyed Easily By School Zones You Need A Mazda MX-5

The unmistakeable smell of burnt rubber permeates through the cosy cabin of the little MX-5, broadening the already ridiculous grin I have on my face to an extent where it could probably challenge even Clarkson’s silliest of faces, which makes me look like a complete fool. But who cares, I’m having fun.

Last year, I decided it would be a brilliant idea to go and spend the day racing some go karts on a Le-Mans style race track. And it was. It was just about the most fun I’d ever had driving. But there were a few problems, firstly I had to wear a hair net which made me look like an elderly woman  who was too afraid to get her hair wet, shortly after I had to place a pre prepared (sweated in) racing helmet on my head, which was a bit disgusting. But then I got to race, and it was brilliant. But I had failed to listen to anything the officials said pre race and so I didn’t understand the signals. So I thought I’d just keep racing around the track until I saw everyone else come to a halt, this plan turned out to be slightly more problematic than I initially thought, because after a few laps I had made it to pole position – possibly because I failed to acknowledge the no overtaking sign, opps – so I didn’t know when the race was over. So I just kept racing around until people started shouting at me.

I eventually drove into the pits, and with a massive grin on my face, I dismounted from my dull grey kart, only to find my pants covered in brown mud, which was a bit annoying. The next day, I struggled to get out of bed, and unless I had fallen down several flights of stairs in my sleep, it must’ve been from the go karts. The vibrations through the steering wheel of the kart were so strong that I had wrist pains for more than a week, and my spine had been turned to a dust so fine you could actually use it to make stuff, like, erm, sandcastles? Or what ever people use fine dust for, I’m sure it has some use.

Any way, I’m getting off track. The point of the story is; while go karts are seriously good fun, I don’t think I want to be caught wearing an elderly persons shower cap, nor do I particularly enjoy wearing a helmet with the sweat of an old long haired alcoholic smeared in it. And it’s also incredibly painful, and expensive. However, I think I’ve found a way to get around these issues. And might I say, it’s quite brilliant.

The street I picked my car up from did not look like this.. - Mazda MX-5 NB series

About five minutes ago, I rolled down a typical suburban street – well I say typical, it was a bit of a dump if I’m honest, old Toyotas with trees growing through them were found where tulips or roses might make up a garden bed in a normal front yard– In a 2003 Mazda MX-5. I sort of had some idea of what I was in for. The MX-5 has a reputation for being a drivers car, but all the reading of car reviews and what not couldn’t prepare me for the full experience of an MX-5.

Entering the MX-5 cabin gracefully is a bit of an art in itself, easy with the roof down, but a bit of a strenuous task with the roof up, and being a typical Melbourne winter day – freezing and windy – I decided it would be best to leave the roof up. Once I was in though I felt right at home. The driving position is spot on; the gear lever in the perfect position, as are the pedals, and the steering wheel, despite not being adjustable is in the right position for me. It’s clear the mx-5 was designed around me, the driver. There’s a reasonable amount of space too, I’m over six feet tall, and I actually had to move the seat forwards to reach the pedals properly, and I even had a little bit of head room to spare. The seats are mighty comfortable, and hug you’re body really nicely, and keep you in position while giving the MX-5 a proper caning. Which will probably happen quite a bit.

Mazda MX-5 NB Series

Fire up the little 1.8l engine, and you’d be forgiven for thinking you were in a Mazda van – the engine noise isn’t especially inspiring on start up. After I’d let the car idle and warm up for a while I noticed the fuel gauge was resting on the stopper and the fuel light was glowing bright orange desperately trying to grab my attention. And it did, well, while I was in the driveway at least. 

I took off down the street which I’m sure is the same one they use to film Underbelly and the like, and soon fell into the MX-5’s trance, and forgot completely that this was not my car, and that it had no fuel in it.

Now for some quick facts to put things into perspective. The MX-5 only has 107kw, but weighs 1086kg which is about as much as a relatively large dog weighs, and so the power to weight ratio is quite good - 0-100kph takes around eight seconds. This means the MX-5 goes, handles and steers, like, a more smallish dog with erm bigger dog legs. This is a good thing trust me. If you’ve ever seen a small dog trying to run really fast on polished floor boards you’ll understand. It’s hilarious. The MX-5 scampers. It’s so agile, and reacts to you’re every input, the steering is quite light, but provides relatively good feel, the throttle is very sensitive, the clutch long and well weighted, and the gear change. Oh the glorious short shift gear change, it is an absolute gem.

Through the twisty bits, the MX-5 really shines, it’s so well balanced, the light weight rear drive chassis and relatively low power mean you can actually reach this cars limits without travelling at ridiculous speeds which would normally have Mr. Plod crush you’re car if you were in some twin turbo V8 monster. Turn the MX-5 into a corner and there’s very little body role, the steering will tell you when the front wheels start to push a little, then get on the gas mid corner and the MX-5 just grips and goes. A bit like a mountain goat, apparently they are quite quick animals and everyone knows mountain goats have good, erm, road holding.

Those seats are really comfy - Mazda MX-5 NB interior  

A lot of people are of the opinion that the MX-5 doesn’t have enough power, and so isn’t as much fun as properly powerful sports cars, but I’m not one of these people. You don’t need lots of power to have fun, and the MX-5 has plenty of power for me, there’s enough to quite easily unstick the rears mid corner and hold the slide, it’s actually very easy. The MX-5 is so well balanced, it makes sliding the car so manageable, it’s really impossible to get into trouble in the MX-5. And if you do, well, there are a couple of airbags and abs brakes which work well and give it a respectable four star NCAP rating. Not bad for something the size of a Coke can. But the important thing is it feels fast. In following in one of Newtons laws, because the MX-5 is so low to the ground it feels much faster than it really is which is good in school zones because 40kph feels like 70kph. 

I’ve just taken off from the lights, dropped the clutch beside the typical V8 commodore tyres squeal and the look on the fluffy dice enthusiasts face is priceless. People just don’t expect the MX-5 to be so reckless after a look at its cute little face. At the next set of lights the boofhead in the Commodore drops his window and says “sick skid bro” what ever that means. I think he liked the MX-5.

Then that bloody orange fuel light catches my eye again, I think its time to take the car back. The cabin stinks of burnt rubber; I’ve got a ridiculous grin on my face, the approval from a chav in a commodore and virtually no petrol. I decide it’s probably best I don’t bring the car back in this state so I do a few more laps around the block to air out the cabin while praying to the man upstairs to not let me run out of fuel.

I made it back, but I didn’t want to get out of the car, so in order to convince myself it was time to hand the keys back to their rightful owner I promised myself I would buy an MX-5 as soon as I could afford it, which should be sometime in the coming weeks. In the mean time though, I’ll be at LeMans go karts wearing someone else’s sweaty racing helmet and a shower cap, because that’s just about the only way to experience an MX-5 without actually experiencing an MX-5. Except go karts don’t have  magical manual gearboxes, and so I’m only left with half an MX-5 experience – the handling, and so I miss out on the fantastic MX-5 gearbox and fantastic seats and steering which doesn’t break you’re wrists.

So if you like go karts and fun, but are sick and tired of having you’re wrists and spine turned to dust, and having you’re face covered in some strangers sweat, get yourself an MX-5. See? Told you I had a brilliant idea. 

What Do Cougars, One Direction, And The Aston Martin Vanquish Have In Common?

It was a Friday night like any other, I was making time down at the local watering hole, when enters a cougar. Cougars can be identified mainly by their appearance, they display maximum cleavage to captivate their prey, and often wear something new and fashionable to hide their age, however a simple glance at their hands will confirm the maturity of you’re predator. Cougars are not a pack animal and will never roam in more than pairs; they often roam the jungle alone searching for potential mates.  A general rule of thumb is, if you see them bounce, she’s about to pounce.

Chances are if you’ve got a pulse, you will have heard of the British boy band One Direction. However something you might not have heard over all the screaming fourteen year old girls is band member Harry Styles is a known cougar hunter. The man (boy?) can probably get who ever he likes, and has so many notches in his bed post that it’s whittled down to a twig. However Harry clearly has a thing for the older ladies. When Harry was just 17 years old he dated Caroline Flack a 32 year old news reporter for some months last year, unfortunately they broke up after One Direction fans – an evidently insane bunch of people, threatened to murder the poor woman.  This wasn’t a one time deal either because Harry has an interesting history of conquests involving cougars, some of which who were even married. As a result Harry has been dubbed the ‘cougar catcher’.

Aston Martin Vanquish 

Perhaps when Aston Martin were conceiving the new Vanquish, Mr. Styles was seen as the ideal customer for the new car, and so on the outside it would appear a brand new car, however beneath the botox remains the well matured DBS.  The Vanquish is the replacement for the aging DBS, which in fact has only been on sale for five years, in supercar terms that’s less time than it takes an average American to put on ten kilos.

I like to think of the new Vanquish as a bit of a cougar myself, because on the face of it, it appears to be a DBS with a new, fresher, and up to date body. It’s the old car in a new and more fashionable dress. Beneath the pretty face, sits the same VH architecture which sat beneath the DBS, and is still sitting beneath all new Astons and has done since 2004. However, it’s been thoroughly overhauled, and now combines carbon fibre and aluminium to produce a hybrid platform. This and one massive strut brace in the engine bay helps to stop the entire car twisting itself into a braid – cougars gave up on the hunk of rope hair style long ago, and increases the structural rigidity of the package by 30 percent over the DBS.    

Aston Martin Vanquish - mmm yum. 

At the heart of any big Aston is a V12 engine, and the Vanquish is no exception. The Vanquish retains the 6.0l naturally aspirated V12 from the DBS, but receives a new fuel pump, larger throttle bodies, intake manifold, and dual variable valve timing. These modifications, of course, result in more fire power at your disposal – 563hp and 620nm of torque to be precise. The Vanquish should weigh significantly less than the DBS given the new hybrid platform and new carbon fibre dress its wearing – every body panel is carbon fibre, and hence the 0-100kph time is expected to fall below the four second mark and top speed is expected to be in excess of 320kph. Clearly these are not spectacular figures given the cars the Vanquish will have to compete with, Mercedes SLS, Bentley Continental and the 730hp Ferrari F12 which will be causing some serious headaches at the Aston Martin HQ all spring to mind, even the Nissan GTR could easily undercut the Aston by more than a second in a 0-100kph sprint, however Aston Martins have never been about the figures, the focus is the delivery. Nothing else on the road will accelerate you to 100kph in so much style. And there’s nothing else that can match the charisma of a big V12 Aston, its just oozing with class, and well, it’s just cool. James Bond drives one for Pete’s sake. 

Aston Martin Vanquish Interior. 

Contributing further to the cougaresque appeal of the Vanquish is the lack of a double clutch gearbox. The Vanquish will use the same six-speed automated manual as the DBS, however it has been reprogrammed to reduce shift times by 37 percent. Although with these changes I doubt the Vanquish can match the Ferrari F12 for gearshift smoothness or speed.

The new pretty face, and old bones of the Vanquish might make our friend Harry Styles happy and whether it’s able to please us, the enthusiasts, is yet to be seen. However, providing there’s no way of spotting that mature hand that sets a cougar apart from a younger woman and the V12 is bellowing when thumping the Vanquish up a mountain road, it should be a brilliant car. But one things for sure, whether you’re an amateur cougar hunter or a highly experienced cougar catcher, this is the machine you’ll want to walk her out to if you’re looking to up you’re game.

Aston Martin Vanquish - A Truly Beautiful Machine. 

The Americans Have Gone Mad.. Again. - SSC Ultimate Aero XT

A few weeks ago, on this very blog, I gave the Germans quite a significant amount of praise for making brilliant cars, especially a certain a black and orange car called the Bugatti Veyron, which to this day holds the top speed record for production cars. I also made an example of an American car much less superior to the stupendous Veyron Super Sport, and might’ve ridiculed it slightly for being made from gaffa tape in a shed by burger eating Americans who don’t know how to make cars go around corners. In response to my comments, probably, the Americans have turned completely mental. Because it would seem the blokes from SSC have been at it again as they recently rolled out their SSC Ultimate Aero ‘XT’, in a very original black and orange colour scheme.

Could've picked a more original color scheme..  SSC Ultimate Aero XT 

The XT, a final hurrah for the Ultimate Aero before it’s replaced by the Tuatara, is the American companies final crack at breaking the Veyron Super Sports 431kph top speed and entering the history books as the car that caused the largest road accident in history, before it unleashes its new car the slightly hard to pronounce, Tuatara.

The XT, has a modified version of the engine in the standard Ultimate Aero – a supercharged 6.2l V8, which now produces a slightly terrifying and awesome 1300hp, 100hp more than the most powerful Veyron. The XT also makes use of the Tuatara’s seven speed flappy paddle gearbox, and cooling systems.

Now for the really scary part. The Ultimate Aero has no electronic driver aids, so no abs brakes, no traction or stability control. Just 1300hp going through the rear wheels, with nothing to stop you sticking into the next tree, or an elephant, or a pond, or my front window, or anything else in the vicinity of a kilometre or so. SSC CEO says “I wanted a car you not only throttled with your right foot, but at times you could steer with you’re right foot too” What he really meant to say, was “I’m doing this for my country, America will take back its rightful top speed record, I’m also a bit silly”.

No official figures have been released; however it will most certainly be fast, and terrifying. However, whether it tops Bugatti’s 430kph top speed is any ones guess.      

Ferrari F12 Berlinetta Cooks Up A Storm

Those who know me know they should never eat anything I have cooked or had an input in the process of cooking, because I am the sort of person who struggles to cook two minute noodles, poisons myself by eating what I thought were cooked frankfurts – as it turns out they were pretty much raw, and starts a small kitchen fire while attempting to cook pasta. Given my Italian background, it is expected that I am an exceptional cook, and a natural soccer star. However I am neither of these things. I can’t stand playing or even watching soccer – mostly because I’m terrible at it, similarly, much like a professional chef, I don’t like to eat the food I cook, however unlike a professional chef, its because chances are it will contain traces of my own flesh and probably lead me to an uncomfortable hospital bed – but at least the food will be half decent. So on the face of it, I’m not very Italian.

However, I’ve been to Italy before, and I’ve met some of my ‘proper’ Italian relatives, and they said I was definitely an Italian a ‘Bombaci’ in fact, unlike my father who they just called ‘Skippy the Kangaroo’ and laughed at his miserable attempts to speak Italian.

Now, you’re probably reading this and thinking ‘what does this have to do with cars?’ and I don’t blame you, I’m thinking the same thing. But I assure you, I will get there, eventually. I suppose that’s another Italian trait, we’re laid back and like to take our time with things, whether it be work – Italians have a siesta every afternoon for a few hours, assembling an ice-cream – I once waited no less than seven minutes for a lady to make me an ice-cream in Italy, Italian policemen also like to take their time – I’m still waiting on my speeding ticket from 2 years ago, and of course, Italian car makers really do like to take there time – told you I’d get there.

Ferrari F12 Berlinetta 

Earlier this week, the most iconic of Italian car makers, Ferrari, launched its replacement for the 599 GTB super grand tourer – the F12 Berlinetta.  Six years after the 599 begun production in 2006, we have the F12, the fastest road going Ferrari ever made. And Ferrari certainly took their time with this one. And as is the case with most modern Italian stallions, it’s been worth the wait.

The F12 Berlinetta is a truly beautiful thing to behold, unlike its FF bread van sibling, which it shares an engine with. In the FF the 6.3l V12 produces 650hp, but in the F12 that power has been bumped up to an astonishing 730hp - for all you car geeks, that’s the same power output as a modern F1 car. Ferrari engineers coated the FF’s engine in magic dust and that was enough to bump power up to 730hp, however that becomes a little difficult for the engineers to explain, and be taken seriously. So rather than using magic, they made many mechanical changes to the FF’s engine, all of which I don’t really understand. For example, the harmonics of the inlet valve and exhaust have been tuned, a new oil scavenge pump for the dry sump has been developed, and many many different types of injector patterns have been tested. The end result is 730 raging Italian horse powers, 690nm of torque, 0-100kph is dealt with in just 3.1 seconds, and top speed is 340kph.

Ferrari F12 Berlinetta 

Ferrari F12 Berlineta's beautiful interior

However, this isn’t a Ferrari for just thrashing around a race track or you’re favourite mountain pass, the F12 has to be comfortable too, and capable of travelling long distances without turning you’re spine to dust. It has to work as a grand tourer. And it does, superbly, sure the suspension is stiff, but its not uncomfortable, the 7-speed double clutch gearbox shifts seamlessly when you want to relax but also threatens to crack you’re neck and double as a chiropractor when you turn it up to eleven – how convenient. The steering is seriously quick, and takes a little to get used to, but it’s very accurate, and so alive in you’re hands; it really gives you the confidence to drive this thing quickly rather than making you feel like you might stick a $700k super car into the next tree if you’re not careful. It really is a friendly beast, unlike its predecessor which could be a bit, erm, terrifying at the best of times. Around Ferrari’s Fiorano test track the F12 is seriously fast – the fastest actually, and great fun, with the power of 730 Italian horses through just the rear wheels the F12 has been destined to love drifting since it was a fetus, and it’s so well balanced and easy to manage, you’d have to be a complete spanner to bin this thing on a track. Really.    

The F12 has a completely different character to its perilous 599 predecessor, it’s much easier to drive, and the performance is much more usable. The 599 just wanted to go fast, or kill you, and which ever one happened first was down to luck; however the F12 wants to be you’re friend, encourage and reward you. It’ll do long distance cruises without destroying your eardrums and turning you’re pelvis to dust. But when you’re in the mood, the F12 will fill you’re eardrums with beautiful V12 music, and provide a slightly strange and erotic fizzing sensation in you’re pelvic region. 

Ferrari F12 Berlinetta 

Unlike the 599, the F12 is more laid back, it wont poison you with raw frankfurts, nor will it serve you a meal with bits of human flesh in it, it wont even burn down you’re house while trying to cook pasta. No, it’s a proper Italian, one that knows how to cook. The F12 will spoil you with a three course dinner every time you turn the key, and once you’ve scoffed down the last of that delicious spaghetti and meatballs, its time for dessert.    

You're Daily Dose of Awesome - Ferrari F12 Berlinetta Launch Video

Now, for something they don't tell you in the video, this is the fastest road going Ferrari ever made. It's even faster than the legendary Enzo. However, when you think about those mental 730 Italian horses which lurk beneath the bonnet of the F12, it becomes a little less surprising. 0-100kph takes just 3.1 seconds, 0-200kph takes just 8.5 seconds, and given a little more time, a reasonably lengthy and preferably empty straight road, the F12 will reach 340kph. Its not just in a straight line that the F12 mauls every other road going Ferrari ever made either, because it's also the fastest road car to ever lap Ferrari's Fiorano test track.
The F12 uses the same basic engine as the one used in the FF, hence its a 6.3 liter V12. However Ferrari has made some fairly serious changes to the FF's engine to bring its power output up to a bonkers 730hp, which I don't really understand. But I'll tell you anyway, Ferrari engineers have tuned the harmonics of the inlet and exhaust, developed a new oil scavenge pump for the dry sump, and tested six or seven different types of injectors, the list is endless.
Reports are claiming this car is much friendlier than the 599 it replaces, because many were, sadly crashed due to cashed up playboys trying to show off, and, it didn't end well. Hence, the F12 is much easier to drive, if you're a bit ham fisted. But the main thing is, the wicked Ferrari V12 bellow still remains, and I want one. Badly.

Why the Germans have a knack for building great cars.

Many, many years ago, German, erm, competitiveness involved bad things, and lead to some events which people, understandably, don’t like to talk about now a days. However, the Germans eventually gave up on said unsaid activities after discovering said activities were not there strong point, and begun to brainstorm ideas for new activities which they could focus their competitive energies on. After many board meetings, and calculations, they happily settled on making some of the best and most advanced cars the world has ever seen.     

The fight for power amongst the various German automakers has involved many things over the years. The days of boasting in the school yard about how ‘my dad’s car is faster than yours’ are long gone, now it’s all about stereo wattage, or if you’re really geeky, Nurburgring lap times.

But still, the fight for power is about more than just lap times and hifi systems, it runs much deeper than that, to a place where speed and engine outputs rule, lap times and speed are more important than comfort and even the most powerful of car audio systems cannot be heard from the earths surface. Some of these ideas are just plain ridiculous, but to a German, it makes all the difference. For example, top speed – understandable given the lack of speed limits in Germany, stereo wattage – apparently German businessmen like Rihanna too, engine power output – everyone knows Germans like more power, and of course balancing handling and ride comfort – well this ones a bit iffy, because in recent times automakers, especially German ones, have become so obsessed with Nurburgring lap times that they consistently ruin the ride comfort, in order to go faster and faster around the ‘Ring. Many have protested, mainly old people and James Mays, that going a second faster around the ‘Ring isn’t worth ruining the ride comfort, and they are right. But Germans like to take their businessmen expresses to the track and rip big drifts too you know.

The average German businessman on his way to work in an M5

Many great things have come from Germany, the Bugatti Veyron for instance, or the Audi R8, BMW M cars, AMG V8s, Frankfurt sausages, and the best sports car in the world – the Porsche 911. And strangely enough, it all began with two blokes in a shed who felt like escaping their wives for a few years.

Now, I don’t want to bore you to death with a precise history lesson on the German auto industry, so to put I’ll put it simply. It all begun in the late 1870’s, with Karl Benz and his mate who headed down to their local hardware store, probably Bunnings or Home Hardware, brought some spanners and a couple of hammers and started work on an engine to power Benz’s coach. Together they developed the four stroke internal combustion engine, and in 1878 Benz fitted this engine to a coach he designed. In 1926 Dailmer- Benz was formed and produced cars under the Mercedes–Benz marque and in 1928 BMW produced its first car. The early 1930’s saw the birth of the Volkswagen project, a plan to build a cheap, and robust ‘peoples car’- which turned out to be a hateful, ugly and generally unpleasant little car called the Volkswagen Beetle, which begun production in 1945, and is still, in its basic idea, being developed and built today by an unexpected luxury sports car maker in the form of the Porsche 911.

1945 Volkswagen Beetle 

Ah yes, the iconic sports car, the 911 is basically a Volkswagen Beetle, because the 911 morphed from the beetle. Its engine was in the boot and still is, no matter how you look at it, the wrong place, and they are both rear wheel drive, and funnily enough they look quite similar. Porsche enthusiasts hate seeing their beloved companions compared to such a hateful machine, but without it, there could be no 911. 

Mercedes-Benz 300SL 'Gullwing' 

Anyway enough of the hideous Beetle, lets fast forward to 1954, when one of the most iconic and stunning German cars of all time was conceived, the Mercedes-Benz 300SL ‘Gullwing’ The 300SL was actually initially designed to be a race car only, but the racer received so much attention and admiration, that Mercedes couldn’t resist the temptation to build a road going version. Everything was perfect until they went to put the doors on. The engineers were completely stumped, because the tubular chassis of the race car came up the sides of the car, and so conventional doors could not be used. Then a few days later, down at the pub, after a few beers a bloke, as a joke – probably, said “what if we make the doors open upwards?” Little did he know he was about to create a trademark for the most iconic Mercedes-Benz ever made. This, so I’m told, happens in Germany quite often.

For many the 70s were a blur, a crack pipe dream filled with rainbows and Kombi Vans. Not for the Germans though, while the world was out enjoying the 1970s, the Germans were hard at work, they weren’t interested in the Beetles (the musicians) or smoking a plant that grew from the ground somewhere in the Middle East, so I discovered. Because in the early 1980s the BMW 3 series, as we know it today, was born. Of course there was a BMW 3 series before the 1980s, but that car was a bit rubbish. It was a boring old rust bucket with wooden suspension, milk bottle tops for brakes, and a lawn mower engine. It was a death trap. These are not exactly the qualities that spring to mind when we think of the modern day 3 series, however before the 80s these were exactly the words which described the 3 series, unless of course you were a hippie German.. In which case you’re 70s 3 series would’ve definitely steered you into a tree and killed you long ago. 

E30 BMW 3 series M3 

With this in mind you could begin to imagine why everyone had a bit of a chuckle when in 1982 BMW claimed they had made a new and improved 3 series. Perhaps they replaced the lawn mower engine with a proper one, in which case the car would’ve been even more frightening than before. Well they didn’t do that, but they did give it proper brakes, proper suspension, and steering that the likes of Porsche and Ferrari would struggle to provide today, the body didn’t begin to fall to pieces if you accidentally drove through a light shower, and the engines, the straight sixes were free revving and simply magnificent, BMW had created an icon, and earned cult status among motoring enthusiasts worldwide. BMW was now on the map. As was Audi with its Quattro four wheel drive rally cars which were dominating the world rally stage and its first rally derived four wheel drive turbo rocket road cars which were both conceived during the late 70s and early 80s.

Audi Quattro rally car

By 1998, the German Automotive industry was massive, and its biggest contributor, the Volkswagen group, had grown so large, that its dietary requirements consisted of one or two car makers per day. In 1966 Volkswagen took over Audi, in ’86 it was Seat, in ’92 Skoda was scooped up, and in 1998 Volkswagen was especially hungry and took over Italian supercar maker Lamborghini, British luxury marque Bentley, as well as Bugatti, in recent times Volkswagen has had its eye on Porsche of which it already owns a stake, and VW has shown a keen interest in stomaching what remains of the pan roasted Porsche pork chop. 

When Volkswagen took over Bugatti in 1998, VW went a bit mad, because the CEO at the time called a bunch of the best engineers from the entire VW group into a room for a meeting. At said meeting the CEO announced that VW had brought Bugatti, and he wanted the engineers to build him a Bugatti which would have 1000hp and travel at speeds in excess of 400kph. The room was silent, until one man burst out into laughter, obviously thinking the VW boss was joking. Sadly he was fired immediately.

The whole world thought the VW boss was mad, insane, and just plain stupid. So to show the world he was serious about his elaborate plan to build such a ridiculous car, a year later Bugatti built a concept car to show at the 1999 Geneva motor show which was powered by an 8 litre W16 engine which produced, in the VW bosses eyes, a pretty ordinary 623hp. So Bugatti kept at work until they finally reached the magic 1000hp mark by using two twin turbo Audi engines. Their next hurdle was reaching 400kph, their initial design was 20kph shy of their target, and to achieve 400kph they would’ve needed an extra 200hp and they couldn’t just strap a Golf GTI engine on the back, more power wasn’t an option. To achieve their goal, the engineers begun to experiment with the cars aerodynamics, adjusting the ride height and using the air beneath the car to their advantage.

2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4

In 2005, VW had done it; they proved all the pessimists and Gordon Murrays (Mclaren F1 creator) who had doubted and criticised them through the process, wrong. The final product was the Bugatti Veyron a car which produced 1001hp from an 8litre quad turbo W16 engine, it cost more than $1.2million, accelerated to 100kph in 2.5 seconds and reached a top speed of 407kph – which as it turns out can even be achieved by the slowest man to ever wear a sweater which has the same print as my grand mothers curtains – James May, and more importantly made it the fastest production car in the world. That was until some Americans rocked up in something called an SSC Ultimate Aero – which was basically just an engine and some wheels stuck together in some blokes shed. And being American it would only go in a straight line and just about spiral out of control trying to do that. It would also explode and crash if you so much as suggested it take a whiff of that corner in the distance.

2010 Bugatti Veyron Super Sport

The Germans didn’t like this and so in 2010 the Americans fame and glory came to an end, because Bugatti unleashed the Super Sport. It had even more power than the original Veyron, 200hp more to be precise, thanks to larger turbos, and it made extensive use of carbon fibre, so it weighed less than before. The Veyron Super Sport returned the top speed record to Germany by reaching 430kph – which is also achievable by a man in a bad jumper with no sense of direction, AND it does it all without spiralling out of control or exploding. It truly is the most extraordinary and magnificent car the world has ever seen. And it’s strange to think that the legendary Veyron is made by the same company who made the horrible Beetle all those years ago. 

The Germans have come a long way, from repeatedly loosing in said, unsaid activities, to Karl Benz creating the four stroke internal combustion engine in his shed, and creating some of the most iconic cars the world has ever seen, sometimes by sheer fluke, in the 300SL ‘Gullwings’ case, sometimes by spending the 70s on the sidelines while everyone else was seeing rainbows and Kombi vans, and often by complete madness, and almost always through being stubborn. 

Porsche 911 GT3 RS 4.0 

And for this we can put up with the German automakers constantly competing on lap times, top speed, and stereo wattage, and who’s got the best frankfurts, because history tells us that German stubbornness, in the automotive industry will eventually lead to great things. The Porsche 911 is a perfect example, the engine has always been in the wrong place, but the Germans – being stubborn have slowly enhanced and improved the 911 experience, up until now where we have the 997 series GT3 RS, the most exciting raw driving machine in the world.   

So, the world thanks Germany for choosing car making as its competitive energy focal point, and fixing the once a death trap 3 series, creating Quattro four wheel drive, AMG soundtracks, and a 430kph supercar that can be driven by even the most ham fisted of drivers, and still make the most advanced of drivers tingle and fizz with excitement.

The Germans have a word for it, which I think sums up the beauty of German cars perfectly – vollkommenheit.

To save you from Google translating that, it means perfection, completeness, thoroughness, absoluteness, polish. Very German.