Is BMW The Most Confusing Car Maker... In The World?

Since BMW announced they would be building the M6 Gran Coupe, I've begun to ponder about how confusing BMW’s product line up really is. It’s a mix of sedans, wagons, coupes and convertibles which all sound simple enough, however dig deeper and there are mutants which are part SUV part coupe, as well as things that are half sedan, half wagon and half whale, and there are others that have no real identity at all. And that’s before you start to look at all the sub brands, BMW’s plethora of different sport, and infotainment packages that all seem to serve the same purpose, and the vast number of silly acronyms.

The most confusing of them all?

But to be honest, all you have to think about is the 6 series gran coupe in order to turn your completely functional and intelligent brain into a confused puddle mush that resembles some dog sick. What it is, is a sedan version of the coupe version of the sedan and very, very confused about its identity. Its name for starters is ‘Gran Coupe’ and when I first read this I thought it must be a typo, I mean surely it’s supposed to read ‘Grand Coupe’ but no, I was wrong. It’s definitely ‘Gran’. Why on earth would any sane person name a car after something children call their wrinkly elderly female relatives? That’s German humor for you. And then it’s supposed to be a coupe, but I’m sure it has four doors, so how could it be? And this is just one ruddy model.

There is also the GT or ‘Grand Turismo’ models – at least they spelt ‘grand’ right this time – which are hideous, and supposed to be something in between a sensible sedan, a practical wagon and a coupe. It’s for people who procrastinate a lot and can’t decide what car they really want, idiots in other words. The outcome is a mutant that should never have seen the light of day, it really is a mess. At the moment there’s only the 5 series GT, which hasn't sold very well, and explains perfectly why BMW should and is making a 3 series GT to keep it company. 

It looks like a whale. Is actually the 5 series GT. 

This brings us neatly to the standard 3 series sedan which seems like an understandable car, it has a normal sedan body shape with four doors and a boot, it even drives well too. You can have it in a ‘Touring’ body shape which is BMW speak for wagon, which is easy enough to understand, all German car manufacturers have silly names for their wagon body styles. But, if you want a coupe or convertible version of the 3 series, what you actually want is something called the ‘4 series’, which doesn't actually exist yet,  and then BMW will make a sedan version of that, just to confuse everyone even more. Then once you've chosen what car you want you can choose what engine you want to power it and if you want a 328i, bare in mind that the ‘28i’ part has absolutely nothing to do with the engine like it once did. A 328i used to have a 2.8-liter six, makes sense, but now it has a 2.0-liter 4 cylinder, but the 320i already exists so 328i will have to do wont it.

Next you start to look at the options list; there are three different sport packages you can option on the 3 series. There’s the sport line package, which you would assume takes care of the body kit, sports interior trim, and suspension, and it does. However, you can also have the ‘M-Sport’ package, which again takes care of the body kit, interior trim and suspension tuning. Or you can have both. And then there’s the sub brand ‘M Performance Automobiles’ which are a little bit like M cars but not quite. They use the brake and suspension set ups from the full fat M cars, and apply them to the standard, sedate body which is equipped with the ‘M-Sport’ package, some big wheels and a big motor, but not one so big that it’s more powerful than the proper M car. At the moment we have the M135i and X6 M50D M Performance Automobiles here in Australia. The M135i is a brilliant little rear drive hatchback, the X6 is a mutant SAC (Sports Activity Coupe) with a fire breathing diesel straight six with THREE turbochargers, it’s completely mental. 

The X6 SAC really is a stupid car. Reason being, apart from being called a ‘sac’, obviously, it’s basically a less practical, more expensive and more ugly version of the X5 which is a relatively normal SUV that can’t really go off road, and will get itself bogged trying to cross a slightly damp field, which is kind of the point of an SUV isn't it? There’s also the X1 which is a kind of wagon that’s slightly raised and completely useless, it’s ugly, not as good on road – where you spend most, sorry, all of your time – as a 3 series Touring, and it’s even worse off road than the other X models. 

BMW X6; Its a brave design, I'll give BMW that. 

Then there’s the dilemma of having a numbered model structure that begins at 1, it’s recently been reported that BMW is working on a 2 series which is actually a rebadged 1 series and the current, completely fine, 1 series will become a smaller front wheel drive (read evil) bread delivery van. The 2 series will then have a hatchback, sedan, a coupe and then another sedan version of the coupe, and finally convertible body styles. But what will the coupe and convertible and sedan version of them be called!? It can’t use the same numbering system as the 3, 4, 5, and 6 series, because then it would have to be called the 3 series. See BMW? This is the problem with your weird numbering system, you haven’t thought it through!

Continuing with current trends and BMW’s hunger to become the most confusing car maker in the world by 2015, fending off strong competition from Porsche to take over the rein from Mercedes-Benz we can expect to see a 5 series coupe, an X5 sedan, X4 sac and a 6 series sedan at some point in the near future, just to keep you thinking. Oh wait..