The Global, Perhaps Even Universal Phenomenon Of Beaded Seat Covers In Taxis.

Have you ever seen a bird flying along over a lake or some water then suddenly drop from the sky into the usually freezing water to maybe, if they’re lucky, pick up a bite to eat? It’s an incredibly intriguing thing. I wonder why they do it. Surely it’d be easier to eat insects or human scraps. Why do people walk awkwardly on two legs rather than the more mainstream and conventional four that has been adopted by most animals? Why are public buses filled with drug dealers, murderers and generally unpleasant people? These are all global, perhaps even universal phenomenons depending on whether or not aliens, as they’re called, are in fact real. And they definitely are. But the universal phenomenon that I’m interested in is the beaded taxi driver seat cover. We've all seen them, they are an essential item if you, for some unknown reason, want to be a taxi driver and be taken seriously. Because lets be honest, what taxi driver – aliens included – doesn't employ a beaded seat cover? 

THIS is the Rolls Royce of beaded seat covers,
look at the craftsmanship. 

I've done some research into this, firstly by turning to the ever faithful Yahoo Answers for, er, answers. The first search result was from a chap living in New York City, he specifies this assuming naively that the beaded seat cover phenomenon only exists in America – typical Americans. Oh no sir, the beaded seat cover exists in every corner of the globe. I've been to many different continents and sat in many smelly taxis, and in my travels not once have I encountered a taxi which has not smelt like rabies, but more importantly, not been fitted with a beaded seat cover. Some generously even gave the passenger the honor of experiencing the pleasure of having their buttocks gently caressed by the beaded seat cover. Admittedly though, I have not been into space or encountered an alien taxi driver, so I cannot confirm whether or not this phenomenon is universal or limited to our Earth. But I like to think of alien taxi drivers flying about in a capsule of their own smelly misery, spewing gas fumes into the air and polluting their planets all while sitting in the comfort of a beaded seat cover.

The last ones clever, opening his door for the shot so everyone will ring him.
Impressive.

But are the things actually comfortable? This is where I was forced to conduct my own research into the matter. So I went to a place called Dandenong, to give you an idea of what Dandenong is like I’ll tell you a quick story. I once went on a school excursion to a park in Dandenong, there were children’s play grounds, trees, a creek, barbecues  and er, a stabbing. Yep, a person was stabbed  with a knife, in the park a few days before our excursion. Thrilling. Anyway, Dandenong is where one of the main taxi headquarters in Melbourne is located, and is where I would be able to find and perhaps even experience a beaded seat cover, and maybe learn about the fascinating history of the seat cover. 

It wasn't long before I stumbled across an elderly man, who was a taxi driver – has been for 30 odd years, something he was quick to proudly point out – and he’s used a beaded seat cover ever since he begun his career back in the early eighties, honestly, it's probably the reason he's lasted so long. He says “at the start it felt like sitting on nails, but after a while it got better”, I’m assuming it got better due to the lack of blood circulation. But he also says that “if you wear shorts they can, um” he pauses for a while “pinch you!” he finally blurts out in a fit of laughter. What a funny old man. When I asked if I could try out the seat he - having lived in Dandenong for many years - promptly refused me the pleasure, understandably thinking I was going to drive off in his 2001 AU Ford Falcon.

So as far as I could make out, the beaded seat cover is extremely painful and causes a lack of blood circulation in your thighs and buttocks. So why do taxi drivers regard them so highly? Well apparently, according to Carl the taxi driver, they let air circulate beneath you preventing your sweaty skin from sticking to the vinyl seats most taxis are fitted with. Other commendable accolades that should be given to the beaded seat cover include creating paragons of excellent posture, outstanding stress management and perfectly sculpted back muscles. 

The specific origins of the beaded seat cover are pretty sketchy, and depend mainly on the origins of the person you’re asking. Most people tended to believe the phenomenon originated from somewhere in Asia or the Middle East, which would make sense given the warm climate. One man assertively said Dandenong then ordered me to get out of his face. I did, very quickly. Why are Dandenongans so scary? That’s another interesting phenomenon.
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