I had an epiphany. And it’s got absolutely nothing to do with lesbians, or drugs or even self control around dangerous animals.

A few days ago I was lunching with three 50 year old, stoned, lesbians – don’t ask me how I got into this situation –it was incredibly weird, and deeply disturbing.

In the midst of my Schoolies (A holiday with friends after 13 grueling years of formal schooling) adventures, my friends and I decided we should visit the home of the Kombi Van, a town that is probably the most pointless, stupid and ‘hippy’ town in the entire world, just to check things out, see what the deal is with this place, and laugh at some silly hippies.

A couple of days earlier we were approached by a man, lets call him John for the sake of the story. John had a British accent and told us about this fantastic tour of Nimbin – the hippy village - and the surrounding countryside as well as some blatant lies. The tour would apparently take us to a secluded swimming hole with a breathtakingly beautiful waterfall. From there we would travel to Nimbin, and then to another secluded swimming hole for a delicious barbecue lunch, before returning back to our apartment at 6pm.. Right.. Sounded decent, and $45 sounded like pretty good value, so we booked our spot on the tour. Cheers John.

Looks, erm, interesting.. Is actually a rubbish rainbow bus. 

A couple of days later we made our way down to the bus stop, where an ancient bus painted all the colors of the rainbow with musical notes plastered all over it waited for us. We sat down as far away as possible from the three strange looking aged women – well I say three, but I could've sworn at least one had a penis – and closer to some pretty girls who happily ignored us for most of the day. The bus was dreadful, it was smelly, loud, impossibly slow, and the ride was ridiculously rough. 

So we were all happy when we arrived at the first stop, the ‘beautiful’ waterfall which wasn't actually a waterfall, so then we weren't anymore.. It was more along the lines of some large rocks with a minuscule trickle of water running down them, so there was no place to swim – I guess John forgot that minor detail.

Back on the dreaded bus then. I some how managed to fall asleep on the trip from the ‘waterfall’ to Nimbin, but it didn't last very long as I was woken my own skull being crushed by the bus window as we went over some small imperfections in the road surface.

Oh look, they make curries too! 

Eventually we arrived at Nimbin, and we were happy to get off the hopeless rainbow bus again. The first store we saw was called ‘Happy High Herbs’ followed by ‘Bring A Bong’, so you could imagine how apprehensive I was while trying to find a bottle of water and a packet of crisps to eat. I still can’t believe how open the townspeople are about drugs, and the fact that they are on them, constantly. It was just a joke town. Even the fish and chip shop was dodge, it’s called ‘The Stoned Fish’. So we passed on the crisps, water, and hot chips, said ‘no thank you’ to four or five drug dealers, and got back on the stupid rainbow bus, again. 

We finally arrived at another ‘secluded waterhole’ which turned out to be some blokes dam, which was infested with big, scary snakes. How nice. After the bus nearly fell over into the snake infested dam  while the driver attempted to park, we all promptly exited the bus and crowded around some irritating flies which were vomiting and making babies on our ‘delicious’ lunch.

Take note of the shop names.. And the flame decals on the
white Commodore.. 

After I proudly located some fly vomit free food, I was forced to sit with the three, stoned, manly lesbians who were screaming and doing weird things to each other on the bus. It was incredibly weird, and I was very, very scared of them.

I scoffed down my lunch as quickly as it is humanly possible to scoff down sausages and hamburgers, and walked briskly away from the lesbians. I then saw a snake, screamed ‘SNAKE!’ at the top of my voice and ran back to the bus, which is I’m sure, exactly what you’re supposed to do when you see a snake.

We then left the snake infested swamp, and went back home to our snake free, lesbian free, and drug free apartment.

I had an epiphany that day. And it’s got absolutely nothing to do with lesbians, or drugs or even self control around dangerous animals. No it is about ride comfort. I have always maintained a strong belief that a rough riding car is ok, and that I would be able to live with a bone shaking, jittery, uncomfortable, rough riding car. But I was wrong. That stupid, horrible, smelly, uncomfortable, piece of crap rainbow bus was just terrible. It’d drive James May mad, and if it weren't for the weird noises coming from the lesbians at the back of the bus distracting me from the pelvis crushing ride, I would've gone completely mad. 

Follow me on Twitter HERE for car news and updates on what I'm up to!