The Global, Perhaps Even Universal Phenomenon Of Beaded Seat Covers In Taxis.

Have you ever seen a bird flying along over a lake or some water then suddenly drop from the sky into the usually freezing water to maybe, if they’re lucky, pick up a bite to eat? It’s an incredibly intriguing thing. I wonder why they do it. Surely it’d be easier to eat insects or human scraps. Why do people walk awkwardly on two legs rather than the more mainstream and conventional four that has been adopted by most animals? Why are public buses filled with drug dealers, murderers and generally unpleasant people? These are all global, perhaps even universal phenomenons depending on whether or not aliens, as they’re called, are in fact real. And they definitely are. But the universal phenomenon that I’m interested in is the beaded taxi driver seat cover. We've all seen them, they are an essential item if you, for some unknown reason, want to be a taxi driver and be taken seriously. Because lets be honest, what taxi driver – aliens included – doesn't employ a beaded seat cover? 

THIS is the Rolls Royce of beaded seat covers,
look at the craftsmanship. 

I've done some research into this, firstly by turning to the ever faithful Yahoo Answers for, er, answers. The first search result was from a chap living in New York City, he specifies this assuming naively that the beaded seat cover phenomenon only exists in America – typical Americans. Oh no sir, the beaded seat cover exists in every corner of the globe. I've been to many different continents and sat in many smelly taxis, and in my travels not once have I encountered a taxi which has not smelt like rabies, but more importantly, not been fitted with a beaded seat cover. Some generously even gave the passenger the honor of experiencing the pleasure of having their buttocks gently caressed by the beaded seat cover. Admittedly though, I have not been into space or encountered an alien taxi driver, so I cannot confirm whether or not this phenomenon is universal or limited to our Earth. But I like to think of alien taxi drivers flying about in a capsule of their own smelly misery, spewing gas fumes into the air and polluting their planets all while sitting in the comfort of a beaded seat cover.

The last ones clever, opening his door for the shot so everyone will ring him.
Impressive.

But are the things actually comfortable? This is where I was forced to conduct my own research into the matter. So I went to a place called Dandenong, to give you an idea of what Dandenong is like I’ll tell you a quick story. I once went on a school excursion to a park in Dandenong, there were children’s play grounds, trees, a creek, barbecues  and er, a stabbing. Yep, a person was stabbed  with a knife, in the park a few days before our excursion. Thrilling. Anyway, Dandenong is where one of the main taxi headquarters in Melbourne is located, and is where I would be able to find and perhaps even experience a beaded seat cover, and maybe learn about the fascinating history of the seat cover. 

It wasn't long before I stumbled across an elderly man, who was a taxi driver – has been for 30 odd years, something he was quick to proudly point out – and he’s used a beaded seat cover ever since he begun his career back in the early eighties, honestly, it's probably the reason he's lasted so long. He says “at the start it felt like sitting on nails, but after a while it got better”, I’m assuming it got better due to the lack of blood circulation. But he also says that “if you wear shorts they can, um” he pauses for a while “pinch you!” he finally blurts out in a fit of laughter. What a funny old man. When I asked if I could try out the seat he - having lived in Dandenong for many years - promptly refused me the pleasure, understandably thinking I was going to drive off in his 2001 AU Ford Falcon.

So as far as I could make out, the beaded seat cover is extremely painful and causes a lack of blood circulation in your thighs and buttocks. So why do taxi drivers regard them so highly? Well apparently, according to Carl the taxi driver, they let air circulate beneath you preventing your sweaty skin from sticking to the vinyl seats most taxis are fitted with. Other commendable accolades that should be given to the beaded seat cover include creating paragons of excellent posture, outstanding stress management and perfectly sculpted back muscles. 

The specific origins of the beaded seat cover are pretty sketchy, and depend mainly on the origins of the person you’re asking. Most people tended to believe the phenomenon originated from somewhere in Asia or the Middle East, which would make sense given the warm climate. One man assertively said Dandenong then ordered me to get out of his face. I did, very quickly. Why are Dandenongans so scary? That’s another interesting phenomenon.
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Is BMW The Most Confusing Car Maker... In The World?

Since BMW announced they would be building the M6 Gran Coupe, I've begun to ponder about how confusing BMW’s product line up really is. It’s a mix of sedans, wagons, coupes and convertibles which all sound simple enough, however dig deeper and there are mutants which are part SUV part coupe, as well as things that are half sedan, half wagon and half whale, and there are others that have no real identity at all. And that’s before you start to look at all the sub brands, BMW’s plethora of different sport, and infotainment packages that all seem to serve the same purpose, and the vast number of silly acronyms.

The most confusing of them all?

But to be honest, all you have to think about is the 6 series gran coupe in order to turn your completely functional and intelligent brain into a confused puddle mush that resembles some dog sick. What it is, is a sedan version of the coupe version of the sedan and very, very confused about its identity. Its name for starters is ‘Gran Coupe’ and when I first read this I thought it must be a typo, I mean surely it’s supposed to read ‘Grand Coupe’ but no, I was wrong. It’s definitely ‘Gran’. Why on earth would any sane person name a car after something children call their wrinkly elderly female relatives? That’s German humor for you. And then it’s supposed to be a coupe, but I’m sure it has four doors, so how could it be? And this is just one ruddy model.

There is also the GT or ‘Grand Turismo’ models – at least they spelt ‘grand’ right this time – which are hideous, and supposed to be something in between a sensible sedan, a practical wagon and a coupe. It’s for people who procrastinate a lot and can’t decide what car they really want, idiots in other words. The outcome is a mutant that should never have seen the light of day, it really is a mess. At the moment there’s only the 5 series GT, which hasn't sold very well, and explains perfectly why BMW should and is making a 3 series GT to keep it company. 

It looks like a whale. Is actually the 5 series GT. 

This brings us neatly to the standard 3 series sedan which seems like an understandable car, it has a normal sedan body shape with four doors and a boot, it even drives well too. You can have it in a ‘Touring’ body shape which is BMW speak for wagon, which is easy enough to understand, all German car manufacturers have silly names for their wagon body styles. But, if you want a coupe or convertible version of the 3 series, what you actually want is something called the ‘4 series’, which doesn't actually exist yet,  and then BMW will make a sedan version of that, just to confuse everyone even more. Then once you've chosen what car you want you can choose what engine you want to power it and if you want a 328i, bare in mind that the ‘28i’ part has absolutely nothing to do with the engine like it once did. A 328i used to have a 2.8-liter six, makes sense, but now it has a 2.0-liter 4 cylinder, but the 320i already exists so 328i will have to do wont it.

Next you start to look at the options list; there are three different sport packages you can option on the 3 series. There’s the sport line package, which you would assume takes care of the body kit, sports interior trim, and suspension, and it does. However, you can also have the ‘M-Sport’ package, which again takes care of the body kit, interior trim and suspension tuning. Or you can have both. And then there’s the sub brand ‘M Performance Automobiles’ which are a little bit like M cars but not quite. They use the brake and suspension set ups from the full fat M cars, and apply them to the standard, sedate body which is equipped with the ‘M-Sport’ package, some big wheels and a big motor, but not one so big that it’s more powerful than the proper M car. At the moment we have the M135i and X6 M50D M Performance Automobiles here in Australia. The M135i is a brilliant little rear drive hatchback, the X6 is a mutant SAC (Sports Activity Coupe) with a fire breathing diesel straight six with THREE turbochargers, it’s completely mental. 

The X6 SAC really is a stupid car. Reason being, apart from being called a ‘sac’, obviously, it’s basically a less practical, more expensive and more ugly version of the X5 which is a relatively normal SUV that can’t really go off road, and will get itself bogged trying to cross a slightly damp field, which is kind of the point of an SUV isn't it? There’s also the X1 which is a kind of wagon that’s slightly raised and completely useless, it’s ugly, not as good on road – where you spend most, sorry, all of your time – as a 3 series Touring, and it’s even worse off road than the other X models. 

BMW X6; Its a brave design, I'll give BMW that. 

Then there’s the dilemma of having a numbered model structure that begins at 1, it’s recently been reported that BMW is working on a 2 series which is actually a rebadged 1 series and the current, completely fine, 1 series will become a smaller front wheel drive (read evil) bread delivery van. The 2 series will then have a hatchback, sedan, a coupe and then another sedan version of the coupe, and finally convertible body styles. But what will the coupe and convertible and sedan version of them be called!? It can’t use the same numbering system as the 3, 4, 5, and 6 series, because then it would have to be called the 3 series. See BMW? This is the problem with your weird numbering system, you haven’t thought it through!

Continuing with current trends and BMW’s hunger to become the most confusing car maker in the world by 2015, fending off strong competition from Porsche to take over the rein from Mercedes-Benz we can expect to see a 5 series coupe, an X5 sedan, X4 sac and a 6 series sedan at some point in the near future, just to keep you thinking. Oh wait..

There's an M version of the sedan version of the coupe version of the sedan.. M6 GRAN COUPE

mmm mmm! M6 Gran Coupe looks very tasty. 

People of the internet, meet the M version of the sedan version of the coupe version of the BMW 5 Series sedan, the BMW M6 Gran Coupe. It is essentially the sedan version of the M6, which is supposed to be the coupe version of the M5 sedan.. Right. I would have loved to have sat in the BMW board meeting that somehow managed to justify building the 6 series sedan or ‘Gran Coupe’ in BMW speak, because it would've taken some pretty smooth talking, lots of pie charts and lots of delicious pie in general I’m guessing. Or if the smooth talker was extra intelligent he might’ve just mentioned the Mercedes CLS63 AMG. Anyhow it’s here, and we’re glad it is because,  well, we're struggling to come up with reasons because we're too busy frothing at the mouth just looking at the thing. I mean would you look at it. The Gran Coupe has to be the best looking car BMW currently make, and this bonkers M version looks even better.

I wouldn't let my Gran drive this Bimmer.. Get ir? Bad joke. 

Beneath the gorgeous exterior sits the same chassis, engine and gearbox from the M5 and M6 models. So you get a 4.4-liter twin turbo V8 pumping out a pretty substantial but understated 552hp and 680nm of torque– stock M5’s have been dyno tested and found to be producing well over 600hp at the crank – which is hooked up to a 7 speed M-DCT double clutch gearbox with launch control (imagine telling your friends your car has launch control..) and something called low speed assistance – in an M car, seriously? Low speed assistance is, I’m guessing, some kind of program that prevents the gearbox from being too jerky and spilling your extra strong double black coffee – all M6 Gran Coupe owners will drink this - instead acting like a traditional cruisy automatic box. 

Interior is very much the same as the 'non-M'
Gran Coupe apart from the stubby gear lever, and
plethora of buttons surrounding it..

There’s a trick electronic rear limited slip differential that shovels power across the rear axle in conjunction with the DSC system to give the driver maximum grip or if your feeling brave and infuriated, it’ll do evil things and help you pull mahoosive slides and release all your anger and fury – probably instilled by reindeer cars – on those rather large rear tyres.  

As a result of all this clever technology and brute force, the M6 Gran Coupe will accelerate to 60mph in 4.2 seconds which is identical to the M6 coupe, a car that doesn't have to heave around so much weight and luxury, which tells us this number is either very optimistic or the M6 coupe’s time is slightly underrated. The former is more likely knowing BMW. 4.2 seconds is 0.1 seconds quicker than the M5 sedan and very fast indeed. The M6 Gran Coupe will top out at the usual 155mph or if you want to go reallllyyy fast you can spend some money on something called the M Drivers Pack which raises the top speed to 189mph which coincidently, is identical to the top speed of Audi’s new RS6 when fitted with the optional performance pack.

These awesome new wheels look like the belong on a Transformer.

Other highlights include new and very awesome looking 20 inch alloy wheels which are only for the M6 Gran Coupe, aggressive front and rear bumpers, the rear housing a set of tasty, snarling quad exhausts and a CFRP diffuser to direct air flow beneath the big ‘ol Gran Coupe, and there’s also an extra long carbon fibre roof, like the M6 coupe. 

Australian pricing and launch dates are yet to be released, however we can expect it to be priced at around $14,000 more than the M6 Coupe, and should be here by mid 2013. I want one. Badly.    

2014 Merceds E-Class Facelift

The face of controversial new 2014 Mercedes E-Class. This ones the Elegance by the way.

It appears that Mercedes, in an act of heroism and perhaps stupidity, is set to ditch the E-Class’ iconic quad headlamp design which has almost defined the car since initially featuring on the 1995 E-Class. Mercedes is giving the E-Class a mid life refresh to keep us all interested in the aging sedan and wagon. Specific details are pretty scarce at the moment; all we have is these images which show a new headlight design that ditches the quad design in favor of a single lens design which incorporates the quad lamp design with the use of LED day time running lights.

Avantgarde 2014 Mercedes E-class.

The grille is now much larger than before and can be optioned in two different styles, the Elegance – which is for old people - and features chrome slats with flying 3-pointed star perched atop the redesigned bonnet or there’s a more aggressive looking Avantgarde design –for people who still have color in their hair - and features matte finish slats with black surround and large three pointed star embedded in the grille. The front end is definitely more sculpted than the current car and the Avantgarde model appears to be much more aggressive looking than the car it is set to replace. The rear bumpers get similar treatment but to a lesser extent, the tail light lenses are slightly larger and of a different design than before but retain the overall shape of the current car. The rear diffuser and exhaust design appear to be more sculpted incorporating a more fluid like design with a rather fantastic looking thin trapezoidal shaped dual exhaust tip design. 

The interior also gets an update which will look very familiar if you've sat in the new C-Class or the new CLS. It essentially mimics the beautiful design of the CLS meaning the new interior will feel less cluttered, more functional, and more luxurious compared to the current car. The main change is the steering wheel which is a more sports orientated three-spoke design and is the same as the new C-Class and CLS wheel.

Avantgarde face of the 2014 Mercedes E-Class Estate.

The revised E-Class uses much of the same hardware as the current car so you get a 7-speed automatic gearbox, diesel engines ranging from the 125kw E220CDI up to the E300 BlueTec diesel electric hybrid, petrol engines including the 2.0-liter four banger with either 135kw or 155kw, a 3.0-liter V6 with 185kw, and then there’s the V8s and AMG models which will use the 5.5-liter twin turbo motor. Revised engine management systems are likely to improve fuel economy and emissions slightly. 

The lovely new cabin of the 2014 Mercedes E-Class.

There is also some new safety technology including Collision Prevention Assist which uses radar tech and wizardry to apply the brakes and avoid potential collisions and Distronic Plus with Steering Assist, Braking Assist and Junction Assist, - that's its actual name - which is basically radar guided cruise control that allows you to fall asleep while driving because it manages literally everything. Except you can’t fall asleep because there’s another assist to stop that... 

The 2014 E-Class is set to make its public debut at next months Detroit Motorshow, prices are expected to remain the same as the current car and it should be in showrooms mid 2013.

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Just Like a Golf, Only (take cover) Better?

Well, to be honest it isn't really like a Golf at all, it doesn't have a hatchback for starters, it’s a sedan so it’s more like the sedan version of the Golf, the Jetta. And what ‘It’ is, is the new Skoda Octavia. A honest, no frills family sedan set to take on the Toyota Camry, Ford Mondeo and the new Mazda 6.  

2013 Skoda Octavia - Pretty isn't it?

It’s bigger in every possible area than the car it replaces so you, your children and your dog, or cat – if that’s your thing – will be more comfortable. There’s more space to put your knee’s, head, shoulders and a bigger boot that will accommodate the mother in law superbly. All this added space in a car that was never really a tight squeeze.

2013 Skoda Octavia - Short overhangs suggest lithe handling.

And despite the extra space, the new Octavia weighs around 100kg less than the model it replaces thanks to the new MQB platform that underpins it, and the Golf, and a million other Volkswagen group models. The new Octavia will be available with a range of petrol and diesel engines kicking off with the dull reading 81kw 1.6-liter TDI which is capable of delivering a very frugal 3.4l/100km, also expected to form the engine line up are a 90kw petrol, 103kw petrol and a 110kw diesel. These engines will be mated to a 6-speed manual or an optional 7-speed DSG box to put all that raw power through the front wheels and to the ground in a controlled and sophisticated manner.

A RS all-wheel-drive model has also been confirmed to be in the works, and is expected to make use of a slightly detuned version of the Golf GTI’s 2.0-liter petrol motor which should make for a more thrilling drive, expect around 150kw/350nm and 7 second 0-100kph dash.

Front end takes subtle hints from the Jetta, but somehow looks
ten times better..

The new Octavia will come with a raft of new technology and safety equipment. The new car can be optioned to have up to nine airbags, although we would expect the standard specification for Australia to include the nine airbags due to our strict safety requirements. There is also a radar guided cruise control feature, touch screen infotainment system, push button start, panoramic sunroof, high beam assist, traffic sign recognition, lane assist, and a fatigue detection assist. That’s a lot of assists. And the kind of assists you would normally only find in much more high end cars double the price of the Skoda, and these are options from a brand that not long ago offered a rubbish bin and floor mats as optional extras. It shows that the brand is definitely trying to improve its global image and compete more directly with its Volkswagen cousins. Skoda reckons its “customers expectations have grown. And this is reflected in the values of the new Octavia – it is a class of its own”. The interior certainly looks more up market than it did before and shows that Skoda is definitely moving in the right direction. Getting former Audi designer Jozef Kaban on board was clearly a good move, because this new car despite focusing on practicality it is no doubt an attractive looking car.    

Interiors not bad either...

So back to my bold claim about the new Skoda Octavia being better than a VW Jetta. It’s simple, the Octavia is better equipped, uses the same chassis, engines, and gearboxes as the Jetta – in fact the current Jetta hasn’t yet been updated to use the new MQB platform - it’s far less expensive, just as well built, and to these eyes its prettier too. So if you can look past the badge snobbery and give up that beloved Volkswagen badge for something that looks like a seahorse head it really is a no brainer.  

Expect to see the new Octavia in Australian showrooms mid 2013 priced from around $25,000, a wagon version will follow late in 2013, and a high riding ‘Scout’ version – similar to the new Audi A4 Allroad – is expected to be released in 2014. 

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Jaguar Pulls The Plug On Its C-X75 Hybrid Supercar

We really shouldn't joke around with bad puns here, because this is properly sad news. The C-X75 hybrid supercar wowed the crowds of 2010’s Paris Motorshow, and was set to enter limited production next year at a daunting price of over $1million. However due to poor economic conditions Jaguar believes that it will not make “adequate return on investment” and hence has chosen not to put the supercar into production.

Jaguar C-X75 side profile. Very pretty isn't it?  

Jaguar had expected global economic conditions to have improved by the time the car was ready to be marketed, however this clearly wasn't the case, at this time a “800,000 to 1m pound supercar just feels wrong” said Jaguar brand director Adrian Hallmark. 

The C-X75 was set to showcase a technical masterpiece demonstrating the expertise and know-how of the Jaguar engineers, as well as providing a valuable learning process centered around investigating future powertrain options that could be employed when the petrol motor is forced into extinction.

A Prius would wee itself if it saw those exhausts. 

The initial design incorporated jet engines which would generate electricity to power the electric motors, and apparently they worked perfectly, however their emissions were far too high. So they were ditched in favor of a twin charged (turbo and supercharged) 1.6 liter 4 cylinder petrol motor, which developed a simply amazing 500hp (373kw). That's 500hp from 1.6 whizzing liters  in a road car! The key to this unbelievable power was the engines high rpm performance, and it has been said that the production ready engine could rev past 10,000rpm. 

But it’s not just the petrol motor that employed clever tech because the electric motors were also highly developed before the project was canned. The electric motor designed for the C-X75 weighed just 23kg yet delivered around 400nm of torque. That’s a serious amount of grunt. And the “revolutionary” liquid and air cooled battery pack that powered the motor was capable of doing so for around 60 miles delivering emissions of less than 100g/km, which is less than a Prius.

In total the CX-75 produced around 900hp which makes for some pretty drastic acceleration numbers. Ready? 0-60mph; 2.8 seconds, 0-100mph; 5.5 seconds, that’s quicker than a ruddy Veyron! To cool this beast of a machine lots of radiators were needed, 17 of them in fact and 1.5 square meters of air intakes were needed to suck in air to feed them.

While it might seem like a massive waste of time and money developing the car to such a level only to cancel it at the last minute, there’s no doubt Jaguar’s R&D department will have learnt an enormous amount from this project. And the technology that’s gone into the C-X75 project will eventually trickle down into Jaguars more mainstream models. Jaguar has filed 100 patents which have come from the C-X75, and said that “at least 60 percent of what we actually spent will be recycled into our road cars”. So we can expect to see hybrid versions of the XF, XJ, and possibly even the F-Type and XK some time in the not too distant future.

Jaguar C-X75 

The C-X75 was set to be produced by Jaguar in conjunction with the UK based Williams F1 Team using their carbon fibre and racing expertise to build one hell of a car that would've faced off against the Porsche 918 Spyder, Mclaren P1, and the Ferrari F70. And if we’re talking beauty contests, the C-X75 would've won. But apparently fours a crowd. 

Despite the car not entering production, Jaguar will continue to develop the five C-X75 prototype cars that it built until they achieve all of the goals they set at the beginning of the project and the cars are at production standard. Three of the five cars will be kept by Jaguar, the other two will be sold at auction to two of the 100 people who initially expressed interest in the car. Hope they've got deep pockets...

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Never Drive With The Top Down At Night...

If you live in an area where people drive Audi’s, never, ever drive a convertible with the roof down at night, because you will crash, and you will be killed. My concerns come after driving home from a friends house last night, it was a warm night, so I decided to put the roof down on my mx-5. Seemed like a nice idea, but it was a catastrophic mistake as I would later learn.

We've all seen this grille in our rear vision mirror.

Not long after leaving my friends place I had an Audi Q7 right up my chuff. And it wasn't like I was tootling along completely unaware of the speed limit, like the elderly do. That would be understandable, but I was doing the speed limit as you’re supposed to in order to stop the rozzers impounding your car and crushing it while you watch and weep. But this is just what Audi drivers do, and I would normally just put up with their deeply irritating behavior and be on my way. However, this person must have been one of the best of the best, a straight A student from the idiotic Audi driving school because not only were they sitting millimeters behind my rear bumper and therefore just centimeters from my skull, but they had their high beams on as well. And because it was a Q7, the headlights are located approximately 102cm above the tarmac which is precisely the same height as my interior mirror. So I’m driving along with an enormous cock in an Audi right up my chuff, shining their bloody high beam lights directly at my mirror and hence directly into my retinas, completely blinding me. And people wonder why we make fun of Audi drivers. They are just complete maniacal idiots who drive cars lit up better than my Christmas tree. 

Now, obviously Audi’s, like most modern cars, have very strong low beam head lights, and I could’ve easily mistaken these for high beam lights, except I didn't  Because after over 20 minutes of agony, the moron in the Audi realized that they couldn't ram me off the road by blinding me with their high beam lights so they gave up and reverted sensibly back to their low beams.

This whole affair wouldn't have been such a big deal if I had of left the roof up on my car because the tinted rear window wouldn't have allowed so much of the Audi’s bright white light into the cabin and I wouldn't have been blinded quite so badly. It still would have been annoying yes, but not overly dangerous.

But unfortunately I will now be a little bit apprehensive when it comes to lowering the roof at night time, because you just never know when an idiot Audi driver might appear behind you with blinding lights.

One thing I don’t really understand though, is why Audi drivers are complete spanners. I can understand why BMW drivers were once maniacal cocks because BMW’s are aggressive cars, the ride is relatively firm, the throttle is sensitive and the engine is always eager to get going, so it just feels right to annoy other drivers by sitting right behind them. But Audi’s? Definitely not. Sure the ride is a bit rough, but the throttle isn't so sensitive and their engines aren't as eager to play. Especially if it’s a stupid Q7 bus. So what’s the deal with Audi drivers?

This is a mystery, but the only reasonable and logical explanation is that Audi drivers are from another planet - like how men are from Mars and women are from Venus, perhaps Audi drivers are from Pluto or Uranus.

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THEY’RE DOGS... AND THEY ARE DRIVING CARS!

We like to think that driving is a fairly simple task, you push pedal and you move forwards, then you press another to slow down or come to a stop, sometimes you even turn this thing called a steering wheel to change direction. And if you’re feeling extra confident you can even change gears yourself by pushing another pedal while simultaneously moving your arm to select a gear. It must be added that you do need to take one hand off the steering wheel to complete this tedious task, which is admittedly slightly dangerous.

So if driving is so simple why are humans and Audi drivers the only ones who can do it without causing havoc to other road users most of the time?

Toyota Prius; the obvious choice for a sheep driver.

This is where the optimistic as ever New Zealanders come in. New Zealanders have always had very fond relationships with their sheep and some have grown so close to their hairy animal friends that they've dubbed themselves ‘sheep whisperers’. Now a sheep whisperer can do all manner of strange things, such as keep a sheep still with their mind while the sheeps fur is harvested, cast spells over the sheep such as the ‘make me dinner’ spell and the extra creepy ‘read me a bed time story’ spell, but unfortunately there have been some technical difficulties with the ‘chauffeur me around’ spell which as the name suggests causes the sheep to drives the sheep whisperers car. Sadly we can't tell you what happened because animal rights people will get angry, but it wasn't good. 

So after failing to teach sheep – a New Zealanders best friend –  how to drive, the Kiwi’s have moved on to dogs. There is a dedicated canine driving school in New Zealand where after just nine weeks of comprehensive training and treat giving, the dogs are able to successfully control the brakes, gears and steering wheel of the car.

The car of choice for mans best chauffeur friend is the Mini Countryman S, kitted out with drool resistant materials, weird looking gear lever, and wicked cool black wheels. Nothing less. I like your style Monty the giant schnauzer.

You can watch Monty doing his thing behind the wheel of the Mini Countryman in the video bellow.

So take that cats! I don’t see any of you driving cars around, not so clever now are we? 
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*We made the sheep part up.

A Calm and Completely Rational Rant About Reindeer Cars

It appears the festive season is upon us, it’s time to stick up the Christmas tree, decorate it, then leave mother to redecorate it in a much more suitable color scheme that doesn't clash with our rug, or the pet dogs coat so much. The reason I know it’s Christmas time, isn't because the calendar says so, or because my local shopping center is now full of enormous candy canes, but sadly because our roads are now littered with hideous, disgusting, and moronic ‘Reindeer Cars’. 

Words cannot describe how wrong this is..

It’s a big problem in my neck of the woods. Just about every second car is fitted with a big red pom pom, and some antlers, and the number of nauseating ‘Reindeer Cars’ swells substantially day by day. They need to be stopped. Now before you accuse me of being something of a Grinch, and a ‘hater’ of the Christmas spirit do hear me out. I love Christmas time, it’s a great opportunity to spend time with family, receive gifts, and be jolly. The weathers generally good too. And I’m all for decorating the house with Christmas ornaments. But when you stick a red fluffy thing to the nose of your car and some stuffed pieces of fabric that vaguely resemble antlers or rabbits poop to you’re car with the intention of some how transforming your car into a reindeer, you are essentially shouting out to the world that your life is miserable.

But that doesn't mean you have to make everyone else’s lives miserable by making you’re car look horrible.

I suppose these sadists might suggest that decorating your car with reindeer like features is similar to decorating you’re house with Christmas decorations. But it just isn’t. You don’t see people transforming their homes into reindeer's like you do with a car, I suspect this might be because no one is actually daft enough to produce a red fluffy thing and a set of antlers large enough so that when attached to the average sized home it would be instantly recognizable as a ‘Reindeer House’.

These ‘Reindeer Cars’ are almost as bad as the ‘my family’ stickers you can put on your car. The point is, if you've got a pet dog you stick a dog on your car, then if you get a husband, who is, say a gardener, you put a picture of a gardener on your car, and so on. And people then know that you’re not a very good driver and that just because you’re indicating left, doesn't necessarily mean you’re going to turn left. Providing a valuable service to all road users. And everyone knows this so we all just laugh at people who have ‘my family’ stickers on their car even though they are incredibly annoying, because to be honest, I don’t care much about who is in your family. ‘Reindeer Cars’ however haven’t quite reached the joke status yet, so instead they are like a road rage inducing device that should -and I’m being completely rational here - be illegal. Or at least become an over the counter deal, where people look as though they are disgusted to see you buying such a horrid product, like buying cigarettes or condoms. The confused elderly should shout profane words at you, housewives (who are the main culprits when it comes to reindeer cars) should shake their heads, and men, young and old should snicker. It’s the only way we can rid the streets of these reindeer cars and restore order and pride back into motoring.

You poor thing..

Earlier today I saw a Mercedes-Benz, the proud three pointed star was absent, and in its place was a stupid bright red pom pom which I can only assume is supposed to represent a reindeer. I don’t think you can degrade a car much more than forcing it to wear a hideous reindeer costume, especially if it covers its hounorable badge. But how much more can you degrade yourself? Your car is in no way shape or form a reindeer, and it never will be, no matter how much money you spend on car to reindeer transformation products.

So please, stop the reindeer nonsense, you’re scaring the children, and making a fool of yourself and your car. The car deserves better. Unless it’s a Ssangyong.. Then do all the weird reindeer stuff you want, just don’t go out in public. 

New Audi RS6 - It's LESS powerful than it's predecessor. Excuse me Audi, but are you alright?

New 2013 Audi RS6. Take note of the 'quattro' embedded in the grill. Nice. 

What is it with fast Audi’s and looking utterly magnificent? Think about it, the R8, RS5, and RS4 all look pretty damn attractive. I think it might have something to do with the big oval exhaust treatment that is given to the standard cars in order to turn them into screaming track monsters. Now obviously Audi does do a little more than put fancy exhausts on the standard cars to create the RS models, the last RS6 for example had a Lamborghini V10, which is good. They also strapped two turbo’s to it, which is, er, also very good. This factoid was something that RS6 owners – being Audi people – did like to gloat about. 

What a lovely bottom you have there Audi. Exhausts! Dayum! 

Anyways, fancy exhausts aside, the new RS6 that you see here, is a bit of a disappointment if you are one of those people who like to gloat about their twin turbo Lamborghini engined Audi, primarily because the V10 has been ditched for a twin turbo V8 – something to do with global warming and penguins, probably. But this would be ok if the V8 produced more power than the old V10, like how BMW made their twin turbo V8 M5 more powerful than the old V10 one. Except it doesn’t produce more power. The new 4.0 litre V8, also seen in the Bentley Continental GT, and the Audi S8, produces 552hp in the RS6, which no matter how you look at it, is less than the 572hp produced by the old car.

Naturally however, the new RS6 is quite a bit faster than its predecessor, which is good. The 0-100kph sprint takes just 3.9 seconds, 0.7 of a second less than the old RS6. That is unbelievably fast for a behemoth estate car like this, it’ll trouble most sports cars, and even some supercars – think V10 Lamborghini Gallardo. The key to this face altering acceleration comes down to the RS6’s new eight-speed tiptronic gearbox and all-wheel-drive system. The new car also weighs significantly less than its predecessor thanks to the much lighter V8 engine and extensive use of aluminium in the body panels, this amounts to a 100kg weight saving over the last RS6. That’s about six cubic feet of cheese – that’s a lot of weight, and cheese. Top speed is limited to either 155mph, 174mph or 189mph, depending on how much money you spend on the ‘dynamic pack’.   

As with all fast Audi’s you do get all wheel drive, and the RS6 uses the same system as the RS5 – which is a bit shite if we’re honest – so you get a self locking centre differential, and an electronic sport differential at the back. And if the engine is located in the same position that it is in the S6 –infront of the front wheels – then this big wagon will probably understeer like a maniacal, window licking mad man. This isn’t good.

Lots of black. Lots of carbon fiber. Lots of nice quilted leather.

Luckily you’ll be able to stop before you hit a tree though, because the RS6 has enormous brakes. It comes standard with 390mm discs up front, or if you are a bit silly, you can pay lots of money to have even bigger 420mm carbon ceramic discs. You get a bangn’ stereo, lots of RS badges (these are important), lots of cheesy carbon fibre, lots of sensors, and lots of acronyms to stop you from driving you’re expensive Audi into a hedge. There’s also a trick exhaust – which is oval shaped, thank goodness – that comes with switchable flaps to deliver a “full throated sound” in Audi speak or a whisper quiet hum. But who wants a noiseless V8? You also get a raft of fuel saving devices such as cylinder deactivation and start-stop tech to deliver around 28mpg. Not bad. 

Expect it to go on sale late 2013 at around the same price as the brilliant BMW M5. The Audi RS6 sure does have some tough competition. But just look at those LED’s, silvery bits, and oval exhausts.. Maybe, just maybe.. 

Yep, there it is again.. Somebodies good with a pencil.. 

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I had an epiphany. And it’s got absolutely nothing to do with lesbians, or drugs or even self control around dangerous animals.

A few days ago I was lunching with three 50 year old, stoned, lesbians – don’t ask me how I got into this situation –it was incredibly weird, and deeply disturbing.

In the midst of my Schoolies (A holiday with friends after 13 grueling years of formal schooling) adventures, my friends and I decided we should visit the home of the Kombi Van, a town that is probably the most pointless, stupid and ‘hippy’ town in the entire world, just to check things out, see what the deal is with this place, and laugh at some silly hippies.

A couple of days earlier we were approached by a man, lets call him John for the sake of the story. John had a British accent and told us about this fantastic tour of Nimbin – the hippy village - and the surrounding countryside as well as some blatant lies. The tour would apparently take us to a secluded swimming hole with a breathtakingly beautiful waterfall. From there we would travel to Nimbin, and then to another secluded swimming hole for a delicious barbecue lunch, before returning back to our apartment at 6pm.. Right.. Sounded decent, and $45 sounded like pretty good value, so we booked our spot on the tour. Cheers John.

Looks, erm, interesting.. Is actually a rubbish rainbow bus. 

A couple of days later we made our way down to the bus stop, where an ancient bus painted all the colors of the rainbow with musical notes plastered all over it waited for us. We sat down as far away as possible from the three strange looking aged women – well I say three, but I could've sworn at least one had a penis – and closer to some pretty girls who happily ignored us for most of the day. The bus was dreadful, it was smelly, loud, impossibly slow, and the ride was ridiculously rough. 

So we were all happy when we arrived at the first stop, the ‘beautiful’ waterfall which wasn't actually a waterfall, so then we weren't anymore.. It was more along the lines of some large rocks with a minuscule trickle of water running down them, so there was no place to swim – I guess John forgot that minor detail.

Back on the dreaded bus then. I some how managed to fall asleep on the trip from the ‘waterfall’ to Nimbin, but it didn't last very long as I was woken my own skull being crushed by the bus window as we went over some small imperfections in the road surface.

Oh look, they make curries too! 

Eventually we arrived at Nimbin, and we were happy to get off the hopeless rainbow bus again. The first store we saw was called ‘Happy High Herbs’ followed by ‘Bring A Bong’, so you could imagine how apprehensive I was while trying to find a bottle of water and a packet of crisps to eat. I still can’t believe how open the townspeople are about drugs, and the fact that they are on them, constantly. It was just a joke town. Even the fish and chip shop was dodge, it’s called ‘The Stoned Fish’. So we passed on the crisps, water, and hot chips, said ‘no thank you’ to four or five drug dealers, and got back on the stupid rainbow bus, again. 

We finally arrived at another ‘secluded waterhole’ which turned out to be some blokes dam, which was infested with big, scary snakes. How nice. After the bus nearly fell over into the snake infested dam  while the driver attempted to park, we all promptly exited the bus and crowded around some irritating flies which were vomiting and making babies on our ‘delicious’ lunch.

Take note of the shop names.. And the flame decals on the
white Commodore.. 

After I proudly located some fly vomit free food, I was forced to sit with the three, stoned, manly lesbians who were screaming and doing weird things to each other on the bus. It was incredibly weird, and I was very, very scared of them.

I scoffed down my lunch as quickly as it is humanly possible to scoff down sausages and hamburgers, and walked briskly away from the lesbians. I then saw a snake, screamed ‘SNAKE!’ at the top of my voice and ran back to the bus, which is I’m sure, exactly what you’re supposed to do when you see a snake.

We then left the snake infested swamp, and went back home to our snake free, lesbian free, and drug free apartment.

I had an epiphany that day. And it’s got absolutely nothing to do with lesbians, or drugs or even self control around dangerous animals. No it is about ride comfort. I have always maintained a strong belief that a rough riding car is ok, and that I would be able to live with a bone shaking, jittery, uncomfortable, rough riding car. But I was wrong. That stupid, horrible, smelly, uncomfortable, piece of crap rainbow bus was just terrible. It’d drive James May mad, and if it weren't for the weird noises coming from the lesbians at the back of the bus distracting me from the pelvis crushing ride, I would've gone completely mad. 

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Just a typical day when you've got a MK2 MX-5

I was impressed today. I heard a Justin Bieber song which I didn’t completely hate and wasn't forced to aggressively push random buttons on my car stereo until the ‘Biebs’ was removed from the cabin of my mx-5. But I was also impressed by my little mx-5 while having a nice quick fang around a mountain road near where I live, which is in the sticks.

It was an absolute beauty of a road, it was like asphalt spaghetti draped over a mountain top with tight turns massive drops which if fallen into would easily allow you to phone your insurance company – how nice - and long straights where I could crank up the 1.8 liter four pot. To my surprise, the mx-5 is a speedy little fella.  

It was blast, so much fun. Obviously the 1.8 liter engine in the mx-5 isn’t the most powerful of internal combustion engines, but I tell you what, keep the revs above 3000 and it shifts, it feels pretty ruddy urgent too.

Where the mx-5 belongs...

The balance of the chassis was mighty impressive too despite the road being pretty craggy with all sorts of weird cambers. But there wasn't a moment where I felt the unsure push of an understeering front end or even uncomfortable in my bucket seat, it just stuck so well. But of course, being a manual rear drive sports car with no traction control, you can provoke it into some hooniganism, which is jolly good fun, but not very good for rubber consumption... It sucks being poor.

But I had so much fun in the morning winding through mountain back roads I just had to have another go in the afternoon. So after  collecting my sister from school - she was pleased to find I was beginning to warm to the ‘Biebs’ by the way – I took the long way home and had another go and it was even more fun the second time, as I was able to push the car that little bit harder. The silly grin made an appearance.

The practicality is truly phenomenal. On some days you can even
go hardware shopping. This isn't my car, thank god..

As you can probably tell, I’m finding the mx-5 ownership experience quite enjoyable, the car hasn't missed a beat in the two or three months I've owned it, the roof doesn't leak – massive relief the first time I washed it – the tiny boot is able to carry most of my things most of the time, it’s not bad on fuel either if when you’re not doing flat out mountain passes twice a day – which is a struggle, trust me.

But all in all, I think its right to say the mx-5 and I are bonding nicely. It’s a terrific car. 

Hold onto you're toupee's rich elderly men! The Aventador Roadster is here!

Hold onto your toupee’s rich elderly men, because Lamborghini has just unleashed its 217mph Aventador Radster. In fact, if you’re rich enough, and hence elderly enough, you'll want to hold onto you’re whizzing little head, because at 217mph it might just come off and make its way into the enormous air intakes that feed the fire breathing (literally, click here) 700hp V12 engine. Not nice.

Someones pretty good with a pencil ay? Damn it looks good!

But we’re in the 21^st century now, and Lamborghinis don’t really want to kill people as much as they once did. They much prefer to just break you’re neck and make pooh come out these days. But, just in case, to stop you’re head from coming off at 217mph Lamborghini have installed this ingenious device called a wind deflector which, if it’s anything like the one on my car – will do absolutely nothing at all. So, there are also new pillars and a new engine cover – which is very angley, and cool looking- to create a pocket of undisturbed air around the cabin, to keep you’re passengers hair in check and you’re hair – if you can call it that – stuck to you’re head. 

And thanks to the carbon composite tub of the Aventador, no extra pig iron needed to be added to the structure of the Aventador in order prevent 690nm of V12 torque twisting the chassis into a knot. Lamborghni, erm, ‘purists’ will be happy too, because in whisking the roof off of the Aventador, there has been no loss of torsional rigidity, and it should feel exactly the same to drive as it’s hard topped sibling, except for the aural delights of that thunderous V12 engine whose noise is one of the wonders of the automotive world, obviously. Acceleration is virtually identical to the hardtop, with the roadster giving away just 0.1 of a second to the hardtop, so 0-60 takes just 3 brutal, sick inducing seconds. And if you think you’ll notice the acceleration differences between the roadster and the coupe, you’re probably more of a GT-R nerd than Lamborghini’s target audience is.

The detailing on the engine cover is just awesome. Cool color too.

The roadster also comes with two new types of wheels, which are 20” and 21”, and very fantastic looking. And there are also many new colors which are exclusive to the roadster. The green one looks very cool. Very Lamborghini. 

Yep. Still looking good.

But, there is a but. And it’s not something that would bother me, but it might if you’re getting on a bit. The roof is manually operated. It’s made up of two carbon fibre pieces which weigh a total of 6kg, and need to be stored under the front bonnet of the car. While it “only takes a few seconds” as Lamborghini says, I can see it drawing out into the minutes, and then if you’ve got to ask you’re plastic fantastic passenger (all Lamborghini owners have these. Fact) to help you out then you’re not going to get very far.

The Aventador Roadster will cost around $789,000 here in Oz, or around 300,000 Euros... What ever way you look at it, it is a lot of money. You’d have to be pretty ruddy old to have saved up that much, that’s for sure!

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RawDriving's slightly idiotic Car Of The Year Contest!

It’s been a good year. The Olympics were on, so BMW painted a heap of 3 series’ gold and we all sat on the couch for a couple of weeks and became enormous while watching the worlds greatest athletes compete for glory. The Americans nearly named their president after a small, cute, glove. And the Ice-Man, Kimi Raikkonen, returned to Formula 1 and told his engineers to leave him alone in a flurry of Finnish fury which we all found hilariously entertaining.

Golden BMW 3 Series - Shiny! 

And despite all those crooked bankers ruining the economy it’s been a fantastic year for cars as well. The Toyobaru twins were launched, AMG went mad and released what seems like a million new models, so we picked the best one, the SLS AMG Roadster, Porsche gave us a new and controversial 911, as well as the new Boxster, Ferrari replaced its terrifying 599 with the fantastic F12 Berlinetta, Pagani finally stopped making the Zonda and released the slightly hard to pronounce Huayra, there was a new BMW M5, and of course Nissan updated the GT-R, again. All of these fantastic cars have made it to the final rounds of Raw Driving’s car of the year competition, and our panel of experts -which essentially comprises myself, and well, no one else – will decide which car is crowned the winner.

Now, unfortunately, we couldn’t find anyone who would lend us a Pagani Huayra, or any of these cars for that matter, which does seem odd, since the annual RawDriving Car Of The Year award is such an esteemed and prestigious award, we thought manufacturers would tripping over each other trying to get their cars in with a chance, but that clearly wasn’t the case. I was literally stunned to hear that Pagani wouldn’t send us a Huayra, stunned. So our judging criteria have had to be condensed a little. It is essentially what we think looks and sounds good, and has received some kind of praise from a motoring journalist who evidently knows some people at Pagani and the like.

After lots of in depth thinking and watching of Youtube videos, our field of nine cars was now just three; the Pagani Huayra, Ferrari F12 Berlinetta, and the Mercedes SLS AMG Roadster. And from watching Youtube we can tell you that these three cars are absolutely magnificent.

The Mercedes SLS Roadster is a seriously cool car, which unlike its hardtop counterpart isn’t fitted with explosive doors which open vertically to announce proudly to the world that the person inside is a complete spanner. The 6.2 litre AMG V8 is a snarling tower of power that sounds simply incredible and can be heard all the better with the roof down. And provided you leave all of the safety systems on, it’ll even almost go around corners in a sophisticated manner. But that’s not the AMG way. Switch everything off however, and you’ll be giggling like a child, it’s a complete maniac, and it’s flipping brilliant because of it.

Mercedes SLS AMG Roadster

However, it’s not quite as brilliant as the Ferrari F12. The F12 looks more beautiful for a start, and at 730hp its V12 engine even more powerful than the AMG’s. The engine is a masterpiece it howls and screams, crackles and pops, it does everything you would ever expect from a super car, but it can be comfortable and civilized as well, it’s a proper luxury grand tourer. But turn everything up to eleven and you’ll be amazed at just how easy the F12 is to drive, the steering is razor sharp, completely alive, and super quick, the throttle pedal feels like its connected directly to the drivers brain, and the gearbox is mind blowing, its so fast and so seamless that there is no evident loss of power between gear changes, it just keeps on pulling.

mmmm Ferrari F12 Berlinetta

But then you get into the Pagani Huayra. You’re greeted by a sumptuous combination of carbon fibre and leather, the amount of jewellery and detail that has been lavished on this car is simply incredible. I love the exposed gear shift lever; it almost renders the paddles on the steering wheel pointless. I say almost because you’ll want to keep two hands on the wheel when you drive the Huayra hard. It’s an insane beast. Its twin turbo V12 produces the same 730hp as the Ferrari but these two engines couldn’t be any more different. Where the Ferrari is very linear and controlled in its power delivery the Huayra feels savage, insane, and to be honest, a little bit terrifying. You hear the chatter of the wastegates, the turbos constantly whistle and wheeze as the engine makes its way up to its red line. It’s a seriously exciting machine the Huayra. The best way to feel how exciting the Huayra is probably to buy some illegal brown stuff or to think that it has the same power to weight ratio as a Veyron, except drive goes purely to the rear wheels – so Kim Kardashian better be awake if she does in fact buy a Huayra and ruin Pagani forever. Sure its gearbox might be clunky at low speeds but go a bit faster and it’s really well suited to the car. The steering does feel a little slow, especially if you've just hopped out of the Ferrari, but we don’t mind. I would have to say the Huayra is worth every bit of its million dollar plus price tag, it’s an incredible car.

If you couldn't already tell, we like the Huayra quite a lot, and so it is the winner of our Car Of The Year award, mainly because it has flaps all over it like an aeroplane wing which is really pretty awesome, and it makes a great noise, and looks very nice, and goes very fast. Yeah, definitely the Huayra.  

And here's a video of why I love it.....

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